Month 29: Friends

Bing Bing, as per her teacher, was one of the most popular kids at her kindergarten. This might be attributed to the fact that she was always the smallest at school; she was cute, friendly and super caring. I assumed that all the kids would play and mingle together and there would be no “close friends” at this stage of toddler development.

But…I was wrong!

Alex was quite close to Mona, a warm-hearted Romanian teacher at Bing Bing’s kindergarten, and they could talk for hours about the kids. One day, Mona asked me “Alan, do you know Finn from our class?”

Of course I know Finn. His parents drove a shiny Jeep SUV which often blocked my driveway in the morning. Finn knew me, too. I vividly remembered seeing him jump out of the car and pointed his little finger towards me, saying “Mommy, that’s Margaret’s father”. I had the impression that Finn was a sociable and well-groomed kid. As such, he was very memorable to me. So I told Mona “Of course I do. What’s the matter?”

“Finn will only come to our kindergarten three days per week starting next month. His mother told me his number one concern is that he will not be able to play with Margaret”, said Mona.

“Oh, they are good friends, aren’t they?” I asked

“Yes, Finn and Margaret are really really close. They play together; they read together, they eat together. Finn is really protective of Margaret as well. I can see they are developing into a very special friendship” – Mona answered and smiled. “Finn’s mom suggested that you should organize a playdate so that the kids can play together”.

“That sounds great.”

I then got in touch with Finn’s mom and she wrote my number on a sticker note and put it on her fridge. Finn’s family just came back from a short trip to Samoa and Rene would organize the playdate very soon. She told me that Finn didn’t let anyone touch the sticker note with my number as he was afraid that his mother might forget about the playdate…At this stage, I knew that Bing Bing had a close friend – Finn.

Three weeks ago, we invited my parents to visit Bing Bing’s kindergarten and my mum taught them how to make Vietnamese spring rolls. Sally, the Manager, told us her story with such a great excitement.

“I can’t believe that Margaret has been with us for 3 months. You know she already had a buddy right?” – said Sally

I was about to answer “Yes, it gotta be Finn” in a very cool I-knew-it-already manner, and Sally’s next sentence almost got me tumble.

“Yes yes, it’s Matt ha ha.  It was really funny. Matt came back last week from his long holiday and I greeted him at the entrance. He ignored me and, by the way, do you know what his first sentence was?” – said Sally

“Err, what did he ask you?” – Alex voiced up

“He asked me “Where’s Margaret?” – Sally said and giggled – “And then he rushed into the room to find Margaret and they had great fun building a tower together”.

I hardly knew Matt back then, and my impression of Matt was not that strong. He was really shy and quiet when we ran into each other in the hallway one morning.

I smiled whenever I thought of Bing Bing and her friends. A teacher at Bing Bing’s first kindergarten used to tell us her observation that Bing Bing was really mature in her interaction with friends. She would choose not to play with a kid who acted aggressively or unreasonably towards his/her friends. That’s why I was really happy to see that Bing Bing could make friends with other toddlers at school. For me, it meant that Bing Bing was put in a friendly environment in which toddlers knew how to play with and respect each other. More importantly, as Finn and Matt were having different personalities, it was really important for Bing Bing to appreciate such difference between her two best friends. In the long run, this would help Bing Bing develop her self-awareness and emotional intelligence. 

 

“If you take kids to a playgroup, you'll find two children who just naturally gravitate toward each other”

Marilyn Segal, American development psychologist

Month 29: "Be kind and have courage"

5pm I was already on a bus to pick up Bing Bing. When I got there, for a moment I was horrified when I heard a screaming voice blended with tears coming from where Bing Bing was standing. It was Sienna's:

"That's not my Mommy! That's Margaret's Mommy! Oh no... where's my Mommy?"

If it was a normal day, Bing Bing would have run to me, greeted me with her biggest smile, given me her warmest hug and her most gentle kiss. That day she gave me a quickest hug and her most hurried kiss. She was having a concern - Sienna, her friend was crying.

Bing Bing rushed back beside Sienna. She gave Sienna a long hug. She patted on Sienna's shoulder. She bent down to the level that Sienna was sitting. Bing Bing showed her most concerned face and sweetly asked:

"Are you okay Sienna? Do you need anything? Here you go, do you want to read a book?"

Vanessa - their teacher showed up and gave Sienna comfort. Vanessa couldn't help noticing the act of kindness that Bing Bing had showed.

"Margaret, that's very kind of you to care for your friend Sienna. Thank you. You're such a sweetie, sweetheart."

I was very pleased to see that. In fact, I have noticed that act of kindness from Bing Bing in many situations. Before I could make a comment, Vanessa turned to me:

"I think Margaret can make a wonderful doctor!"

"Oh? How so?" - I puzzled.

"Margaret is a highly independent child. She likes to concentrate doing her own work most of the time. But if there's a situation arising - a child crying, a kid screaming, a friend falling, Margaret is always the first to stop her work, come to her friend, show her empathy and provide comfort. Until the child has calmed down, Margaret gets back to her work quickly."

"That's definitely something that I've picked up from Margaret too. She was playing by herself with great focus. When she heard me chopping chicken loudly on the chopping board, she ran to the kitchen and asked me to be careful before she continued with her playing." - I happily added.

"Absolutely. She's developed a sense, an act and a quality of kindness and empathy that's very mature for her age. We're all very impressed and Margaret is one of the most popular kids here because of that. She is well loved by all her friends!" - Vanessa continued.

From that day on, I continued to observe Bing Bing. I often even created situations to explore how she would react. She never failed - kindness is really embedded in this child. She never leave anyone alone when they are in pain, in need or in misery. Sometimes she just automatically helped adults and kids who just dropped something on the ground, who was trying to get something near her etc. She sacrifices her own wants, needs and priorities to attend care for others. That is a very difficult thing to do even for adults, as especially difficult for a toddler whose sole purpose is to get what they want. I am happy but also concerned. A tiny thought came to my mind - will her friends be kind to Bing Bing as well? - what happens if a child is aggressive towards Bing Bing?

It took a little longer for me to find out. We went to Alan's colleague's house one day for a play date. Lucy was a 3 year old girl who didn't spend much time in childcare. She was not particularly sociable and friendly as a result (that's just my guess). But Lucy had one of the most amazing indoor slides. They were both excited to get on but Lucy didn't seem to understand the concept of taking turns - one of the most important concepts that children have to learn in kindergarten! Lucy kept pushing Bing Bing and I thought that my kind little girl would just give in but Bing Bing stopped Lucy and said this pretty loudly:

"Hey! Hey! No pushing okay! Don't push me!" - Bing Bing was annoyed.

That was a very pleasant surprise for me and Alan - not quite so pleasant for Lucy's parents.

Lucy still didn't get it. I guess this concept does take a lot of time to master!

"HEY! NO PUSHING! IT'S MY TURN! GO AWAY!" - Bing Bing was really pissed.

I didn't want to make the situation awkward so I explained to Bing Bing that Lucy didn't go to a kindergarten, she was not used to having friends and sharing toys with others and that maybe Bing Bing could find something else to play and give Lucy some time playing with the slide by herself. Bing Bing could come back in a short while once Lucy's finished playing.

Bing Bing decided to go off and play with Lucy's sister - a 10-month-old baby. Bing Bing had a great time!

Yesterday, Bing Bing was in a music class, she was sitting in the teacher's chair with so much pride. A 3 year old girl, Reeya, approached Bing Bing showing her interest in the teacher's chair. Bing Bing moved her bottom to one side and patted her hand down on the other - suggesting that they both share the chair. For some reason Bing Bing got out of the chair to climb back up again but Reeya saw an opportunity and sat down on the chair quickly - claiming the whole seat.

Alan and I were watching from afar and thought "Oh, Bing Bing is going to get her "Hey! Hey!" at the girl now, isn't she?". Surprisingly, Bing Bing smiled at the girl (who just took her seat!). Bing Bing ran to an electric socket on the wall, about 2 metres away and started exploring. Reeya was watching and following Bing Bing to see what she was looking at. Once Reeya reached the socket and kneeled down, Bing Bing picked up her fastest running speed back to the chair and claim the seat with a biggest smile at Reeya. - Điệu hổ Ly sơn??

"Man! She's one clever girl! Awesome tactics to problem solve this situation" - Alan exclaimed next to me (whose mouth was wide open).

I remember one saying "Don't take my kindness as coward-ness!" and Bing Bing has showed me just that. Now my worries have gone. I know for a fact that Bing Bing has both, like Cinderella's mother once said to her child "Be kind and have courage". Something I have to learn too.

A proud mother :)

Month 28: A warmest cold winter morning

7am
I was dreaming Bing Bing calling "Mama! Mamaaa!". It was getting louder and clearer. Sh!t it wasn't a dream. Bing Bing was calling me from her bedroom. That was how a day started.

"What is it, honey? You're up? Good morning."

" Good morning, Mommy" - She grins.

I ran from my bedroom to hers without much clothes on and it was a very cold winter day.

"It's so cold Bing Bing" - I pulled her blanket up my shoulders.

"Oh, are you cold Mommy? Am I cold Mommy?" - Her facial expression was serious.

"I'm a bit cold. But I think you're hot Bing Bing. Your heater was on the whole night."

"Yes I am hot, are you hot Mommy?" - She reached her tiny hand and placed it on my forehead.

"Now that you have examined me, do you think I'm hot Bing Bing?" I smiled.

"No, you're not hot Mommy. I am hot. Is Daddy hot too?" - She pointed at the door.

"I don't think he is. Actually he might even be cold."

"Daddy is cold. Are you tired Mommy?" She asked as I yawned.

"I am not tired Bing Bing. I am still sleepy I guess." I briefly closed my eyes.

"Oh, do you want to sleep on my bed? Lay down Mommy. Lay down here." She ordered while pushing me down onto her bed.

Bing Bing covered me with her favourite blanket. She pulled it down to cover both my feet. When only my head was exposed she gave me a big warm hug and murmurs:

"Are you still cold Mommy?"

"I think I'm getting warmer. Maybe just need one kiss to feel perfect." I tempted.

She leaned on and gave me a kiss on my lips.

Suddenly she went to her nightstand and grabbed a nappy.

"Do you want me to change your nappy Mommy?" Her eyes wide opened.

"No thank you darling. I don't need a nappy because I can go to the toilet."

"Oh, you want to go to the toilet now Mommy? Okay! Come!" She opened the door and dragged me to the toilet as she spoke.

"It's too cold Mommy" - She realised that only her room was warm enough to wear a night dress that she was wearing.

"I know, let's come back in Bing Bing.". She agreed.

As I changed her nappy and outfit, she asked

" I am hungry Mommy. Di an di thoi! Di an khoai lang di thoi!"

After Bing Bing brushed her teeth and cleaned her face all by herself, we went downstairs and Alan was preparing lunchboxes. Bing Bing had her usual favourite Kumara and she sang "Let it Go" from Frozen for about 10 times.

It was one of the longest conversations that we exchanged. It was warm and full of love and care. I cherished all conversations we had because I knew she only grows up once and I only grow old once.

Much love

Your Mommy

Month 28: Stories from school

8.30AM – 5.30PM

9 hours!

No, I am not talking about my working hours here. This is in fact the number of hours that Bing-Bing stays at her kindy from Monday to Friday. Bing-Bing sleeps for about 11-12 hours at night, which effectively means that we have just about 3 hours left to directly interact with our daughter on a daily basis. I am always curious about what Bing-Bing does at school, and one of my biggest wishes was to become invisible to watch Bing-Bing play and learn without distracting her. While waiting for my wish to come true, Alex and I usually spent time catching up with Bing-Bing’s teachers, and their stories as well as observations have made us smile every time. In this entry, let me start by telling my favorite stories first.

#1 – A lovely SMS

Bing-Bing is the smallest toddler at her (new) kindy and she had her first class exactly a day after her second birthday. We were so worried on that day that Bing-Bing would not settle in well. Before lunch, we received a short SMS with a photo attached, saying “Margaret is having a good time matching all the boxes. Don’t worry too much” from her teacher. Since our first transition visit, I always had an intuition that Bing-Bing would like her new kindy and that timely and thoughtful SMS simply made my day. Every now and then I still texted Bing-Bing's teacher to see what my Bing-Bing was up to.

#2 – Show n Tell

Friday morning was the time for “Show and Tell” at Bing-Bing’s kindy and the kids took turn to present anything they wanted to their friends. For example, a little girl was really excited about her first flight, so her parents printed out her ticket and she proudly presented it. A boy even showed his caterpillar and explained how it evolved to be a butterfly (I don’t like this caterpillar part very much but strangely enough, the kids do). We often asked Bing-Bing what she would like to ‘show and tell’ and helped her prepare accordingly. More importantly, we were always keen to know how it went from her teachers.

During the first few weeks, Bing-Bing was shy standing in front a big crowd (evidenced by the fact that she either put her finger or even her whole hand into her mouth), but she was more confident sharing her stories with a smaller audience. Well, I guess that's normal. Public speaking was the number one fear even in America (drowning only made top 4), let alone Bing-Bing was only two years old. All we need is just a little patience together with a lot of practice.

Last week, Bing-Bing wanted to tell her friends about her handmade butterfly and dragonfly. When we arrived at 5PM, Mona greeted us with a warm smile and instantly told us about Bing-Bing’s “Show and Tell”: 

Mona: Margaret was much more confident presenting her "show and tell" this morning and she put no finger into her mouth.

Alan: Oh wow, well done Margaret

Mona: We still needed to ask her questions but she managed to answer all of them with good sentences. A girl even asked Margaret “Why are you showing us these?” and she answered “I made it with my Daddy and Mommy”

Alan:  Even nailed the Q&A session!

Practice makes Perfect. I often played the game "Opposites" with Bing-Bing and encouraged her to be Confident, not Shy. In his book "Outliers", M Gladwell suggested that it should take 10,000 hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. We would continue to work on this, for sure. 

#3 – Margaret’s table

Bing-Bing was sick and she stayed at home with us for two days. I wondered whether the kids at school realized that she was away and whether they missed their little friend Margaret at all. Alex was kind enough to voice up my little concern to a teacher.

Alex: We just wonder whether the kids realized that Margaret was away. Alan had this question on our way here.

Mona: Yes, they did. They kept asking where Margaret was. During lunch, everyone realized that Margaret's seat was vacant and they'd like to keep it vacant the whole time.

Alan: Oh where is her seat?

Mona: It’s right here. We set her on this small table with two other children, so she can be less chatty and focus on her lunch. In the large table, she just chats away.

My interpretation of all this was that my little girl is pretty popular and chatty at school. More importantly, this was a good sign that Bing-Bing could socialize and communicate with other toddlers (who were 1 to 3 years older than her). 

 

#4 – "I am a big girl"

When I said Bing-Bing was the smallest baby in her class, that's not entirely true. Actually, that honor should go to Pablo, a 8-month old baby with big blue eyes and the second cutest smile. His mother was the Assistant Manager of the kindy and she brought Pablo to her work everyday. It just happened that Pablo had an Avent milk bottle that looked exactly the same as the one we brought for Bing-Bing. She usually drinks from a cup already, most of the time, she only uses her non-spill bottle in the car.

One morning Bing didn't finish her milk bottle in the car so she carried around when she got to school. And this conversation happened…
 

Matilda (4 years old): Margaret, why do you hold Pablo’s bottle?

Bing-Bing: It’s mine.

Matilda (a bit confused): So are you a baby?

Bing-Bing (in her serious face): No no Bing Bing is not a baby. I am a big girl. Big girl!

As per the teacher, Bing-Bing then repeated her sentence “I am a big girl” for about ten minutes and insisted to drink milk from a cup to make her point. She now refused to drink from her bottle at home or in the car. This little girl is, to quote Alex, “quite a character”…

For years, researchers have tried to explain whether a person is born with personalities or whether the world around us shaped who we are. Well, the debate is still going on out there but I myself chose the easy answer – Both. I still wish to be invisible to watch Bing-Bing in action at school, to know more about that part of the world that is shaping her.

AP

Month 28: Just a Sunday afternoon

It was a fine Sunday afternoon. 3:30pm and Alan was already at his usual badminton games. I decided to watch a movie while Bing Bing was still having her afternoon nap. Then I heard the familiar noise that her bedroom door made when it was opened. By the time I opened my bedroom door, here was Bing Bing running across the corridor at lightning speed. She was too short to look over our bed through all those pillows and blankets so she had her eyes fully opened - they were as large and big as longan stones. She turned around and spoke in her clearest voice:

"Is Daddy sleeping on the bed now Mommy? Daddy is sleeping on the bed?"

"Ba đi chơi cầu lông rồi Bing ạ. Chơi cầu lông đó con biết không? Như thế này này." - I tried to explain to her with some awkward badminton imitation.

"Oh, Daddy be home soon Mommy? Daddy be home now?" - Her eyes got bigger and blacker as she tried to raise her eyebrows.

"Ba sẽ về sớm thôi, giờ có 2 mẹ con mình ở nhà thôi"

"Ba đi cầu lông... Pew pew... haha... Daddy home soon Mommy."

"That's right. You want some ice-cream?"

She was finally satisfied with that and happy went downstairs with me to have some ice-cream. She was only allowed to have ice-cream every Sunday afternoon after her lunch nap and she could eat as much as she liked.

To have some fun and to make sure that she has a safe way going down the stairs given how small she was and how short her legs are, I often went first - down the flight of stairs using not my adult legs but my bottom. She went after, she laughed every time I banged my butt on each stair but she asked "Are you alright Mommy?" every time I landed hard on my bottom. She did the same thing, we had fun and she had never fell off the stairs. Of course, at the last one, she counted "1, 2, 3 Jump!" and jumped off the last step with a big laugh.

After having so much ice-cream, she held her cheeks up and said

"So cold Mommy...".

I laughed out loud. She laughed after me and I asked

"Why are you laughing Bing Bing?".

I thought she would just ignore my difficult question (for her age) but she replied

"Bing Bing is so funny".

It was playtime. She had a wide range of choices. She picked building blocks. They were new toys I bought for her and she absolutely loved it. While I was trying to follow the instruction booklet to build a shrimp, she was already on her mission to build what she called "My Tara Tree". She built one, then two. I needed one particular yellow piece that she was using so I politely asked:

"Bing cho mẹ mượn cái này nhé." - Thought she would.

"Erm... no, I need this. Sorry Mommy" - I WAS surprised. But I was glad. When Bing Bing and her kindy friends were playing along side with one another, I used to teach Bing Bing that it was important to share toys but only after you have finished playing with that toy. It would not be a healthy friendship if one can just take things from you and say you have to share. And same thing for Bing Bing, she learned to wait for her turn to use toys.

I showed her my beautiful shrimp.

"Wow, well done Mommy. It's so cool". - Smiling as she spoke

I was surprised again. "Since when did you have such great people skills Bing Bing?". I wasn't very good at that. It was really special to see that I could even teach her something I didn't have myself.

I screamed on top of my lung. Alan appeared out of nowhere behind us without making a single sound as we were attentively watching Frozen "Let it go" song. I thought somebody broke in our house and suddenly appeared in front of us with a knife. Thankfully it was just Alan. Bing Bing heard me scream. She was surely calm, certainly calmer than her mother. She gave me a hug and said "Mommy is scared Daddy". She gave me a kiss on the lips and held my face up. For a second I felt like she was an eleven year old daughter that I could count on.

We went to the supermarket after that and that was my 2 hours with Bing Bing on a Sunday afternoon. She has grown so much since her second birthday. I now have a better idea of who Bing Bing is and who this young girl that she is capable of becoming.


Alex

Month 27: The wonder of Verbal Communication

Babies communicated with us by crying with various tones during their first 18 months. As parents, we could pretty much tell from the moment Bing Bing was born why she was crying based on her tones. I would say we got it right 98% of the time. After Bing Bing turned two, she managed to communicate in three languages – i.e. English, Vietnamese and Binglish (I haven’t been able to fully understand the last one of course), and this made our daily interaction much more fun and effective.

Her sentences in Vietnamese were fairly short with the subjects and verbs mixed up sometimes but I believed that she understood every single word we said. This morning, Bing Bing rode her bicycle (bikie in her dictionary) in the backyard and told Alex "Train sợ lắm Bing Bing" as she heard the train from a far or "Bỏ mẹ váy ra Bing Bing" when she meant "Mẹ bỏ váy ra cho Bing Bing ". Before lunch, Bing Bing kept telling us “Đi ăn đi thôi” because she was hungry. The longest sentence in Vietnamese that I heard so far in June had seven words - “Bing Bing mặc váy màu xanh lá”.

It is said that by the age of two, a child will have a vocabulary of about two hundred words. Bing Bing surprised us all the time with her English vocabulary (to be honest, I cannot tell how many words she actually knows now as she keeps enriching her vocabulary on a daily basis). Some of the examples in which she either suggested or initiated things to do with Mommy:

“BB: Do you want painting Mommy?

Alex: Yes, honey

BB: (loudly and clearly) Daddy, Mommy wants painting too. Let’s go”

Or similarly:

“BB: Mommy, do you want nước dừa?

Alex: Yes

BB: Daddy, Mommy wants nước dừa, too.

Alan: You think so?

BB: Yes, I think so”

Or with Jordan, her unisex doll (sometimes she referred to Jordan as a boy, some other times as a girl): 

"BB: Jordan, do you want to read a book yeah yeah?

Jordan (acts cool)...

BB: Oh Jordan, put your shoes on. Lạnh lắm. Your feet are cold"

Jordan obviously didn't have much say in this situation as Bing Bing was already on her mission with his shoes. 

BB: Jordan, sit here. I am reading a book."

Bing Bing had a particular interest in "opposites". We were queuing at the counter to check out our shopping basket. Out of nowhere Bing Bing pointed to a person queuing in front us who was smiling warmly at her and said "This is an OLD MAN! Bing Bing is a young girl." Of course she told the truth. That old man she referred to just had to pretend that nobody heard her.

She would say this type of sentences on a very regular basis.

"It's hot Mommy. It's not cold.

This is big Mommy. This is small.

Daddy cao. Bing Bing lùn.

Nặng quá! Too light"

Bing Bing is a kind of child who knows exactly what she wants. Hence, being able to have verbal conversations with her means less guesswork for us. Bing Bing had an unexplained high fever last night and when I was holding her, she whispered "Daddy, I am really thirsty. I want nước dừa". I didn't realize that she knew such words "really thirsty". Anyway, we quickly went downstairs for two cups of "nước dừa" to cool her down (plus a bonus spoon of pamol from Daddy). 

There was another conversation with Alex before bedtime when Alex was trying to trim Bing Bing's nails. As Bing Bing always wanted to have the final say and final "do" (which I will talk about later), Alex often gave Bing Bing an opportunity to pull her nearly-trimmed-off nails out. One day, a toe nail got rather stubborn and Alex said:

"- It's not coming out honey, let me help...

- No Mommy, it is coming out. It IS coming out. See, it's coming Mommy. Look, it's coming out.It's coming Mommy" Bing Bing said so while she was eagerly pulling out that toe nail with her tiny hands. Each sentence had a completely different tone to it but lining upwards like a staircase to show her determination to pull it out.

What's best about verbal communication was that Bing Bing could express herself easily, emotionally in particular. It just showed us how much she cared and how beautiful her emotions were.

After reading way too many books as usual, Bing Bing said:
"Daddy, I am tired. I don't want to sleep now. I want painting. Do you like painting too Mommy?" 

Or when Alex was laminating pictures, Bing Bing said 
"It is really hot Mommy, are you alright?"

Bing Bing was doing a puzzle on her table when she heard Alex chopping chicken loudly in the kitchen:
"Be careful Mommy, are you alright?"

What's really interesting to us was that while her English often outperformed her Vietnamese in most vocabs, only one topic that seemed to be different. Bing Bing was about 19 months when she said:

"Bing Bing yêu mẹ lắm lắm. Bing Bing yêu ba lắm lắm." 

while she made no attempts to say the same word in English. 

By about 25 months Bing had learned to say "I love you Mommy" when Alex was saying good night and "I love you Daddy" when I was preparing her a sweet potato for breakfast. But she said this in Vietnamese to Alex every morning before we dropped her off at school:

"Bing Bing yêu mẹ lắm lắm, nhiều như trời cao biển cả."

That suggests the word love/ yêu and this topic in particular is not so popular at school like "crackers", it is only heard at home and said by parents. 

Learning a single language is hard. Learning two is even crazier. We adults just simply expect the child to automatically develop her language skills as she grows up. However, it takes a million neurons to be able to understand and speak a word, and that connection is what wires their brains permanently. It has been a long way for Bing Bing from non-verbal communication to all-verbal communication. It has been a great journey for Alex and I to experience what a difficult path that a child must take when they first come to the world. Now that most people can understand Bing Bing's verbal languages, Alex and I do sometimes miss the hardship but pride when we were the only people who understood Bing Bing's non-verbal communications. We have great confidence that she will be fluent in at least two - three languages in no time. 

Alan

Month 20: Focus

Babies' concentration span is very short, about 5 seconds at most when they're first born because of the reactive focus part of the brain is very much alert to look out for danger - something we human beings and animals inherited from our ancestors.  Any noise, any image, any movement will hence distract babies. That's natural.

That instinct becomes less and less valuable as humans evolved and at times a barrier for humans living in the modern world where proactive focus is required to do any job. Teenagers in particular experience constant battles between reactive and proactive focus. One would have no problem playing video games for hours (reactive concentration to sounds and sudden movements) while may be struggling to concentrate in class (proactive focus).

When Bing Bing was about 2 months old. I noticed that she stared at our clock on the wall a lot when she was being fed in the room. Our clock was rather unusual. It was a large round clock with picture frames inside. They were all black and white photos that we were supposed to replace with our own photos but we just couldn't be bothered. We liked the random black and white photos when we bought the clock.

I started showing Bing Bing more black and white photos, you know, more close up. She stared at them even longer. I was fascinated and I made a whole lot of black and white shapes and pictures. Then I started introducing one more colour - red. Everyday she loved staring at those colours and shapes. She started ignoring background noise and movements. She stopped crying when she looked at my cards. I showed her 5, 10, 15, 20 then 40 pictures at a time, about 10 seconds each, just enough for me to describe to her what I was showing.

Lately she's been practicing her focus with puzzles, of many kinds: knob, chunk, layer, all sorts. She spent about 10-15 minutes on each puzzle with multiple attempts. I admit that it was hard almost impossible to "induce" a one year old to sit down and do a proper puzzle. Many parents I knew said they didn't want to force their child and just let them the way they'd be. But I insisted on inducing Bing Bing in any way I could. I made up stories about puzzles, I changed my voice tones when I saw the correct pieces, I got excited about puzzles myself, I tried to be another curious toddler around Bing Bing. In many levels I am all about independent play and freedom. On another level, I am a huge believer of family education. We as parents have the utter most influencing power on our children in all aspects - not by force but gentle persuasion.

Taking about force and persuasion reminded me of a story I often read to Bing Bing. It went "The sun was shining happy and bright in the sky when the wind came by. The wind claimed himself the mightiest of all. A man was walking across the meadow. The wind said whoever makes the man take off his jacket will be the mightiest of all. as he took his full force making a swirling storm trying to blow the man's jacket off. The man felt so cold and held on tight to his jacket. The sun just smiled and shined away. The man felt too hot so he took his jacket off voluntarily." The story ends with a saying "A gentle persuasion is always better than force".

Bing Bing first encountered a puzzle when she was about 6 months old and it took about 12 months to get her interested in doing puzzles, not only because her physical and brain development reached the point but also because she was already watching me doing puzzles and got familiar with them. Puzzles became as natural to her as having a cracker. She did 2 piece puzzles, then 3, 4, 6, 8, 12, 25 and 40 piece puzzles. It was simple - practice. Bing Bing could focus for 15, 20 and 30 minutes on puzzles without being distracted. From the look on her face, I could tell her brain was working very hard to figure out where all these pieces go. It was very special to watch a child concentrating on their work.

Focus does wonder. With the ability to focus Bing Bing learned things at great speeds, she remembered things. She got lost in her concentration when it comes to playing, exploring, reading etc. Proactive focus needs constant training even for adults. It is often dominated by reactive focus which explains why adults still get distracted at work with noises. Reactive focus grows with screen time. Bing Bing had no access to TV or videos at all. It is recommended that children should not have any screen time at least until they've turned three.

Alex