Month 30: Guess how much I miss you

"Where's Daddy? I like Daddy! I want Daddy! Let's pick up Daddy, Mommy!"

That's the first thing she said in the morning and the last thing she said at night for the last two weeks. Alan's in Australia.

After a week and a half of repeating myself to Bing Bing "Daddy's away my dear. He's back on Saturday", Bing Bing started to revise her statements every morning and night:

"Daddy's not home Mommy. Mommy's here. Daddy's coming home on Saturday. Today's Monday. There's Tuesdays, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Daddy's home on Saturday Mommy."

"Since when could you name all the days of a week??" She took me by surprised.

"It's only Monday Mommy. Daddy's home on Saturday on a plane" Her eyes were wide open.

"How did you know Daddy's flying back on a plane??" My eyes were wide open!

"Daddy's on a plane. Vewwww flying on a plane Mommy. Daddy's not home. Mommy's here. Mommy nằm, Bing Bing nằm"

Bing Bing's a very sensitive baby since forever. She asked me to lie down with her for a little longer before she goes to sleep - just to feel a bit more secured when Daddy's not around.

One day I brought three chocolate golden coins home from a London shop on Queen Street for Bing Bing. They were lovely shiny golden chocolate coins with different sizes. Bing Bing absolutely fell in love with those. After careful consideration, Bing Bing opened the smallest one for herself and ate up

"It's so yum, Mommy! Thank you!"

"You're welcome, what about these two chocolate coins?"

"Umm, you eat this big one." - She gave the largest coin to me.

"Cool, thanks, what about this last one, shall we give it to Daddy when he's back tomorrow?"

"Yes!! This chocolate is Daddy's. I'll give it to him when he's home tomorrow." - Her eyes lit up like stars.

After about 2 minutes, "Mommy, can you open this chocolate for me. I want to eat it!"

"I thought this was Daddy's and you're giving it to him tomorrow when you see him?"

"Yes, this is Daddy's but I want it Mommy"

"I think Daddy would love it if you give it to him. Shall we wait until tomorrow, I'm sure he'll let you eat it anyway darling."

"Okay, I'll give it to him tomorrow"

After about another 2 minutes, "Can I open this Mommy?"

"Bing Bing, you want to eat it now or you want to keep it for Daddy?"

"I... I want to eat it."

"Are you sure you don't want to give it Daddy?"

"Okay, I'll give it to Daddy. Daddy likes chocolate like me." She smiled.

About three very similar conversations like that happened in a span of ten minutes. Every time Bing Bing ended up saving it for her Daddy. Finally we decided to put it away so it's not too tempting.

It was a huge development for a toddler as little as Bing Bing to learn to resist presented temptation. I remember reading a book talking about an experiment with young toddlers. They each were presented with a chocolate bar. They were told that they could either eat it now and that's it or wait for 10 minutes and they'd have two chocolate bars to eat. Only so very few toddlers manage to understand and exercise the concept of resisting temptation in exchange for a larger reward. It's then proven that later on those did wait for two chocolate bars did exceptionally well in school and out.

It's now two days since Bing Bing last skyped with her Daddy, simply because we were too busy.

"Mommy, let's call him. Do you want to talk to him?"

The moment Bing Bing saw her Daddy on the phone, she reached out her wide open arms and said

"Bần nà, bần nà Daddy" (Pick me up and carry me Daddy)

She turned to me and said

"I can't touch him, Mommy. I can't reach Daddy." - Sobbed.

They talked and talked. Very often I saw Bing Bing kissed the phone screen. She loved her Daddy so dearly. She sobbed when saying goodbye to Alan but she always slept very well the nights they talked.

Bing Bing's a really sensitive toddler. The first morning Alan left, Bing Bing was up from 3am and didn't fall back asleep. She struggled. She asked for milk. She asked for books. She asked for play dough. She was just looking for something to comfort her. That's how she got so attached to Jordan - our baby doll. Bing Bing insisted on carrying Jordan everywhere she went. Jordan was not allowed to be out of sight.

Friday night, I took Bing Bing to a pub for a colleague's leaving farewell drinks. Bing Bing was upset after about five minutes

"I don't want to be here Mommy. I want to go home with Daddy. Where's Daddy. Daddy's home today."

"He's on a plane flying home at the moment my dear. You'll see him in the morning okay?"

"I want to go home Mommy. I don't like it here."

She knew Alan was coming home. She just wanted to be home waiting for Daddy.

Now every time we mentioned Saturday, Bing Bing jumped up and hugged Daddy

"No no, Daddy, stay home don't go..." She sobbed.

It was heart breaking to see Bing Bing going through a little trauma like that. During the two weeks Alan went away, Bing Bing kissed me more often. She said she loved her Mommy more often. She took care of me the way a child could. I took care of her the way a mother did. We were best friends who comfort each other in the absence of our man. It was really special.

Now that Alan's back. She was screaming in happiness all morning with biggest grins on the face. Her heart is now full.

Month 29: A new breath of development

7am on a Saturday morning...

I gently opened the curtains in Bing Bing's room. Slowly the sun rays went through the window and filled the whole room with sunshine.

Bing Bing laughed so happily when she saw the sun lights:

"Look! Look! Mommy look! I can see the lights!"

She went on and on about the sun and the lights until we got to our car making our way to her music class. Bing Bing suddenly explained:

"Mommy! When the sun wakes up, the moon goes to sleep! I can't see the moon when the sun wakes up. The stars also go to sleep."

Alan and I were shocked. Since when could she make such long sentences and since when could she make such beautiful expression of a natural event? Bing Bing now understood the concept of reocurrence.

Auckland in August is moody. It rains in a blink of an eye before the sun shines all around and rains again without much warning. Bing Bing was playing puzzles in our living room when it started to rain.

"What are you doing near the window, Bing Bing?"

"I'm seeing the rain"

I took her up to her room for changing. As a wonderful observant she was, she looked out her window and puzzled:

"It's raining here too Mommy?!"

"When it rains I can't see the lights Mommy" - Bing Bing continued before I could explain. What a great observation I thought. She must have remembered the sun lights going through her window in the morning.

"That's right Bing Bing. Maybe the sun is taking a nap when it rains."

Bing Bing's facial expression was priceless. One curious child she was. She now was able to make connection between events. She is connecting the dots...

Alan and I have been teaching Bing Bing a variety of opposites. You know, old-new, empty-full, tall-short etc. She's been doing so great with those concepts through puzzles and comparisons. It's much easier teaching opposite concepts. It's a lot harder to teach something in between. Been teaching her the "medium" concepts for two weeks now. Usually when serving food, I asked Bing Bing if her food is hot or cold, for instance, as an exercise to learn opposites.

"Is your rice hot Bing Bing?"

"It's not hot, it's warm" - Amazing I thought.

"Is the water hot or cold Bing Bing" - I asked when I drew her a bath

"Water's not hot, it's warm" - Wonderful I have succeeded.

Similar means of "medium" concept have been introduced: three sticks with different lengths, three circles with different sizes for Bing Bing to sort out.

"This is long, this is short. This is not too long not too short" - She mumbles as she sorts

"This is big, this is small. This is not too big not too small".

Oh, how could I forget. Another new breath of development for Bing Bing this month was her ability to ask this question that made us all speechless:

"Mommy, this is my Daddy, this is not your Daddy. Where's your Daddy?"

"Ong Phong is my Daddy, dear." I answered.

"Ba Binh is your Mommy or Daddy's Mommy?" - She asked. We went speechless. How could a 2 year old ask such a difficult question involving a very complex relationship?

One last thing that has been very handy for me. Bing Bing has now understood the concept of before and after. For toddler it was impossible to grasp this simple concept. For them there is only NOW or NEVER. That's why when they want something they've gotta have it now. If it's not now it means never. So they cry no matter how hard the parents explain "you can have ice cream after dinner".

"I have my rice first and I have my sua chua okay Mommy?" - YES! She's got it.

"I sleep now and I see Elsa and Anna later okay Mommy?" - Couldn't ask for more!

It's so much easier now to make a deal and explain to Bing Bing what needs to happen first before something else can happen. She really gets it!

It was truly amazing to witness and experience Bing Bing's new level of development and knowledge. She's started asking questions like "What is this Mommy?" and while I'm excited that she asked I'm nervous that in no time it's going to be real challenging to fulfil her curious mind :)

A proud mother

Month 29: Friends

Bing Bing, as per her teacher, was one of the most popular kids at her kindergarten. This might be attributed to the fact that she was always the smallest at school; she was cute, friendly and super caring. I assumed that all the kids would play and mingle together and there would be no “close friends” at this stage of toddler development.

But…I was wrong!

Alex was quite close to Mona, a warm-hearted Romanian teacher at Bing Bing’s kindergarten, and they could talk for hours about the kids. One day, Mona asked me “Alan, do you know Finn from our class?”

Of course I know Finn. His parents drove a shiny Jeep SUV which often blocked my driveway in the morning. Finn knew me, too. I vividly remembered seeing him jump out of the car and pointed his little finger towards me, saying “Mommy, that’s Margaret’s father”. I had the impression that Finn was a sociable and well-groomed kid. As such, he was very memorable to me. So I told Mona “Of course I do. What’s the matter?”

“Finn will only come to our kindergarten three days per week starting next month. His mother told me his number one concern is that he will not be able to play with Margaret”, said Mona.

“Oh, they are good friends, aren’t they?” I asked

“Yes, Finn and Margaret are really really close. They play together; they read together, they eat together. Finn is really protective of Margaret as well. I can see they are developing into a very special friendship” – Mona answered and smiled. “Finn’s mom suggested that you should organize a playdate so that the kids can play together”.

“That sounds great.”

I then got in touch with Finn’s mom and she wrote my number on a sticker note and put it on her fridge. Finn’s family just came back from a short trip to Samoa and Rene would organize the playdate very soon. She told me that Finn didn’t let anyone touch the sticker note with my number as he was afraid that his mother might forget about the playdate…At this stage, I knew that Bing Bing had a close friend – Finn.

Three weeks ago, we invited my parents to visit Bing Bing’s kindergarten and my mum taught them how to make Vietnamese spring rolls. Sally, the Manager, told us her story with such a great excitement.

“I can’t believe that Margaret has been with us for 3 months. You know she already had a buddy right?” – said Sally

I was about to answer “Yes, it gotta be Finn” in a very cool I-knew-it-already manner, and Sally’s next sentence almost got me tumble.

“Yes yes, it’s Matt ha ha.  It was really funny. Matt came back last week from his long holiday and I greeted him at the entrance. He ignored me and, by the way, do you know what his first sentence was?” – said Sally

“Err, what did he ask you?” – Alex voiced up

“He asked me “Where’s Margaret?” – Sally said and giggled – “And then he rushed into the room to find Margaret and they had great fun building a tower together”.

I hardly knew Matt back then, and my impression of Matt was not that strong. He was really shy and quiet when we ran into each other in the hallway one morning.

I smiled whenever I thought of Bing Bing and her friends. A teacher at Bing Bing’s first kindergarten used to tell us her observation that Bing Bing was really mature in her interaction with friends. She would choose not to play with a kid who acted aggressively or unreasonably towards his/her friends. That’s why I was really happy to see that Bing Bing could make friends with other toddlers at school. For me, it meant that Bing Bing was put in a friendly environment in which toddlers knew how to play with and respect each other. More importantly, as Finn and Matt were having different personalities, it was really important for Bing Bing to appreciate such difference between her two best friends. In the long run, this would help Bing Bing develop her self-awareness and emotional intelligence. 

 

“If you take kids to a playgroup, you'll find two children who just naturally gravitate toward each other”

Marilyn Segal, American development psychologist

Month 29: "Be kind and have courage"

5pm I was already on a bus to pick up Bing Bing. When I got there, for a moment I was horrified when I heard a screaming voice blended with tears coming from where Bing Bing was standing. It was Sienna's:

"That's not my Mommy! That's Margaret's Mommy! Oh no... where's my Mommy?"

If it was a normal day, Bing Bing would have run to me, greeted me with her biggest smile, given me her warmest hug and her most gentle kiss. That day she gave me a quickest hug and her most hurried kiss. She was having a concern - Sienna, her friend was crying.

Bing Bing rushed back beside Sienna. She gave Sienna a long hug. She patted on Sienna's shoulder. She bent down to the level that Sienna was sitting. Bing Bing showed her most concerned face and sweetly asked:

"Are you okay Sienna? Do you need anything? Here you go, do you want to read a book?"

Vanessa - their teacher showed up and gave Sienna comfort. Vanessa couldn't help noticing the act of kindness that Bing Bing had showed.

"Margaret, that's very kind of you to care for your friend Sienna. Thank you. You're such a sweetie, sweetheart."

I was very pleased to see that. In fact, I have noticed that act of kindness from Bing Bing in many situations. Before I could make a comment, Vanessa turned to me:

"I think Margaret can make a wonderful doctor!"

"Oh? How so?" - I puzzled.

"Margaret is a highly independent child. She likes to concentrate doing her own work most of the time. But if there's a situation arising - a child crying, a kid screaming, a friend falling, Margaret is always the first to stop her work, come to her friend, show her empathy and provide comfort. Until the child has calmed down, Margaret gets back to her work quickly."

"That's definitely something that I've picked up from Margaret too. She was playing by herself with great focus. When she heard me chopping chicken loudly on the chopping board, she ran to the kitchen and asked me to be careful before she continued with her playing." - I happily added.

"Absolutely. She's developed a sense, an act and a quality of kindness and empathy that's very mature for her age. We're all very impressed and Margaret is one of the most popular kids here because of that. She is well loved by all her friends!" - Vanessa continued.

From that day on, I continued to observe Bing Bing. I often even created situations to explore how she would react. She never failed - kindness is really embedded in this child. She never leave anyone alone when they are in pain, in need or in misery. Sometimes she just automatically helped adults and kids who just dropped something on the ground, who was trying to get something near her etc. She sacrifices her own wants, needs and priorities to attend care for others. That is a very difficult thing to do even for adults, as especially difficult for a toddler whose sole purpose is to get what they want. I am happy but also concerned. A tiny thought came to my mind - will her friends be kind to Bing Bing as well? - what happens if a child is aggressive towards Bing Bing?

It took a little longer for me to find out. We went to Alan's colleague's house one day for a play date. Lucy was a 3 year old girl who didn't spend much time in childcare. She was not particularly sociable and friendly as a result (that's just my guess). But Lucy had one of the most amazing indoor slides. They were both excited to get on but Lucy didn't seem to understand the concept of taking turns - one of the most important concepts that children have to learn in kindergarten! Lucy kept pushing Bing Bing and I thought that my kind little girl would just give in but Bing Bing stopped Lucy and said this pretty loudly:

"Hey! Hey! No pushing okay! Don't push me!" - Bing Bing was annoyed.

That was a very pleasant surprise for me and Alan - not quite so pleasant for Lucy's parents.

Lucy still didn't get it. I guess this concept does take a lot of time to master!

"HEY! NO PUSHING! IT'S MY TURN! GO AWAY!" - Bing Bing was really pissed.

I didn't want to make the situation awkward so I explained to Bing Bing that Lucy didn't go to a kindergarten, she was not used to having friends and sharing toys with others and that maybe Bing Bing could find something else to play and give Lucy some time playing with the slide by herself. Bing Bing could come back in a short while once Lucy's finished playing.

Bing Bing decided to go off and play with Lucy's sister - a 10-month-old baby. Bing Bing had a great time!

Yesterday, Bing Bing was in a music class, she was sitting in the teacher's chair with so much pride. A 3 year old girl, Reeya, approached Bing Bing showing her interest in the teacher's chair. Bing Bing moved her bottom to one side and patted her hand down on the other - suggesting that they both share the chair. For some reason Bing Bing got out of the chair to climb back up again but Reeya saw an opportunity and sat down on the chair quickly - claiming the whole seat.

Alan and I were watching from afar and thought "Oh, Bing Bing is going to get her "Hey! Hey!" at the girl now, isn't she?". Surprisingly, Bing Bing smiled at the girl (who just took her seat!). Bing Bing ran to an electric socket on the wall, about 2 metres away and started exploring. Reeya was watching and following Bing Bing to see what she was looking at. Once Reeya reached the socket and kneeled down, Bing Bing picked up her fastest running speed back to the chair and claim the seat with a biggest smile at Reeya. - Điệu hổ Ly sơn??

"Man! She's one clever girl! Awesome tactics to problem solve this situation" - Alan exclaimed next to me (whose mouth was wide open).

I remember one saying "Don't take my kindness as coward-ness!" and Bing Bing has showed me just that. Now my worries have gone. I know for a fact that Bing Bing has both, like Cinderella's mother once said to her child "Be kind and have courage". Something I have to learn too.

A proud mother :)